THINKING OF PD AS
THE DESPERATE NEED TO RELEASE TRAUMA
(16 Notes on 22 Nov 2008—dedicated to B. H. who made these thoughts crystallize)
1. In one’s life before PD one exhausts oneself trying to be “good,” thoughtful, useful. Ultimately, this “trumps” or wins over the ability to feel (anything)—especially, and most importantly, happiness.
2. In PD thinking itself exacerbates the thinker. The PDer does not seek a release from stressful thinking but rather release from thinking itself—through feeling the suppressed trauma in the body.
3. If you spend time with those in advanced states of PD, you will see people who are like lost, lonely, largely expressionless, exhausted, numb children (infants).
Advanced PDers are “adrift” like so many of the mentally ill homeless—as if cut off from human nurture, or incapable of receiving it. This is the tragedy—along with the role that PD drugs play in this process.
4. Growing up with the dictum “Don’t you dare express your feelings!” (which has a complicated origin), the PDer has lived 90% of the time in the head. This is in order not to not feel the (unhealed) traumas stored in the body—often going back to birth and even former lifetimes. These traumas, though, now scream for release—making the PDer’s body a minefield of both rigidity (the trauma on hold) and pain (the trauma breaking through).
5. Yes, the PDer is hugely needy—what may have been a drive for sex may be (should be / could be) replaced by a drive for releasing trauma.
6. This releasing trauma activity results in the real feeling of having been nurtured / heard / understood—even if a little bit—and offers connection to another person, to nature, to another dimension, to God.
7. How is this releasing trauma activity achieved? First and foremost, by the “foot holding” activity that Janice Walton-Hadlock so capably, wisely, and generously explains (for free) in her two books at www.pdrecovery.org. She calls this yin tui na which she translates from the Chinese as “Forceless Spontaneous Release” (FSR). This is a must for ALL PDers to experience one, two, or three times a week!
8. Any other hurting body area can be gently held between both hands of a caregiver—like Reiki or many other systems of energetic healing. Hands can be put on both ears to access the substantia nigra (which is inflamed in a PDer), or above and below the stomach (which is “hard” in PDers). Allow the hands to remain in these areas (and others) for an hour: a lot happens, including trauma release, a sensation of being nurtured, warmth, well-being, and a deep healing sleep.
9. PD, as Janice W-H claims, can be healed—with energy, not with drugs. This is especially true if the PDer HAS TAKEN NO PD DRUGS. If the PDer HAS taken the drugs, so what—the benefits still need to be felt and explored.
10. I take carbidopa-levodopa, by the way, a low dose. I am in more and more pain—daily.
11. A related point is that I fear abandonment—and will also cleverly deny it by being / living / acting alone. (This speaks to the core of how screwed up I am by PD.)
12. A seemingly less-related thought (but which is, in fact, connected) is that I enjoy meeting people at their places of greatest pain—the “letting go” point—because I can relate.
13. At issue is that thinking can block feeling. Feeling, to me, is more important than thinking. I’m sick of / from thinking.
14. I am doing my best. Do your best, too, dear reader!
15. Love, finally, is all there is. It can’t be denied. (Thank you, John Lennon, for being the first to point this out to me.)
16. And, thank you, B.H., again, for re-introducing to me The Work by Byron Katie (www.thework.com) which leads to freedom (it’s nice to do it with your foot being held!).